Well, I see by the old clock on the wall that it’s time to reinvent the webcast again. We super brains have to take these modern forms of technology and mass communication in hand from time to time and twist them to our evil purposes. Because, after all, intellect without heart is like beans without a plate — unconscionable.

To begin with, I’m proposing we take all webcasts off the web. That’s right, just remove those babies from the internet and put ’em on FM radio instead. In case you hadn’t noticed, FM radio is the only thing people listen to in their cars, and since people are driving longer and more people are buying cars, FM channels are now the prime way ordinary people get their news and information. Next time you’re in a car, yours or someone else’s, just see if the radio isn’t already on an FM station. If I’m wrong, you can make me eat kale-flavored ice cream.

Once we have all the webcasts on FM radio, we then mandate that only Mandarin Chinese can be used when talking. The reason for this is obvious to even a Bernie Sanders Democrat — China is poised to take over the Third World, and when that happens the rich countries will become totally irrelevant, good for nothing but producing more and more cheap video games for the Third World masses. It’s not a pretty picture, but then nobody said life was an art gallery.

Well, I see by the old cucumber on the cottage cheese that my time is up. Hope you’ve learned something from this extraordinary piece of investigative journalism. I know I have . . .