Our subject today is media. We will explore the hidden depths of media, it’s long term and short term effect on various items and situations.

Let’s start first with how media affects the environment — or what’s left of it. As everyone and their grandmother knows, the Earth is in the grasp of green house gasses and enough plastic effluvia to imperil the oceans and defile the land. Or so the media would have us believe.

But a closer look at media that promotes the idea of global warming shows some alarming ambiguities. For instance, if the world is warming up at such a dangerous pace, how do you account for the cold shoulder I got from a woman I happened to meet in the elevator today? She was tall, not to say statuesque, and had sparkling blue eyes, and dazzling white smile, and the kind of smoky blonde hair that makes hearts beat faster and hands become fidget-prone.

I returned her smile and backed her into a corner of the elevator, where I asked her what her zodiac sign was. A simple and trite opening to a completely innocent conversation, I’m sure you’ll agree. Her response, though, was far from warm.

“Your breath smells like a caramelized skunk” she said haughtily, as she swung her handbag at my jowly face. Luckily she missed, but before I could explain that I was merely trying to pass the time of day with her the elevator door opened and she stalked out, freezing me with a gaze that would give chilblains to a hot tamale.

I don’t call that global warming, do you? No, certainly not. And yet media is continually harping on glaciers melting, polar bears donning bikinis, and fish that are already fried jumping into boats.

This points to how easily media can be manipulated and corrupted until it is of as little use as bar of soap at a mud wrestling championship. In order to bring order and better accountability to media, it may be prudent to train up a cadre of dedicated youth until they are able to form a flying wedge and then let them loose on those bastions of media, New York City, Silicon Valley, and Tioga, North Dakota. Once those bases have been neutralized, it is only a matter of time before media is once again the pure and simple concept that we all remember from our gilded youth — and The Beverly Hillbillies will once again become our arbiter of taste and intellect.